Don't fall off your chairs
It was brought to my attention recently that it has been over a year since my last blog post, that the website still needs a lot of work, that this is not a satisfactory state of affairs, and that I am quite close to being sacked and sent to live in the village hall for the amusement of the new Kinlochewe toddlers group*.
Now I’ve fought many a ferocious badger (and other equally ferocious protected species) in my time. However the prospect of facing a pack of possibly rabid two-year-olds is more than I can take, therefore I have returned to the keyboard. I did point out to Graham that if he insists on leaving an inanimate object in charge of his IT and communications then he shouldn’t be too surprised when nothing gets done, but he simply replied menacingly: “Toddlers…”
I then said that I would need an advance on my next pay cheque if I was to return to my duties, as the year since my last post has been a hard one for me. He said that blueberries are out of season and I will have to wait. In desperation, I insisted that there must be something else. He said there’s kale. I then gave him a look intended to wither his kale plants on their stalks, but the accursed things appear to be indestructible.
And yes, it has been a tough time for me. The Clerk of Works is now literally all-singing-all-dancing and it’s hard to keep up when you’re just filled with fluff. Even worse, she now talks, so I can no longer interpret her noises and gestures as I please. And she’s an absolute fruit loop. The other day she discovered my secret lair (with some help I suspect from the management, the swine), and without any consultation installed two of her imaginary friends (a pair of babies called Santa and Toenails). To be fair they don’t take up much space, what with just being tiny babies, and not real, but I can no longer relax at home without an unnerving feeling of being watched. It sets a bear on edge. And a bear on edge is not a happy bear. And a bear on edge being paid in kale is not a happy bear at all.
Albert's lair, which no man has ever entered (because it's too small).
Anyway, I’m not one to grumble. And I take some comfort in the fact that the Clerk of Works is definitely now strawberry blonde, ha! (See earlier post). So here is a summary of what happened in 2018 and what’s planned in 2019:
The blueberry bushes produced blueberries – goodness me.
The apple trees produced apples – not very many yet, but it’s a start.
The tomato plants produced tomatoes – not so fussed.
The kale plants produced kale – pah!
Graham sold some stuff and has plans to get the outdoor beds going (wasn’t that in last year’s plan too?), and to maximise the use of space in the keder house by growing things suspended in drain pipes (hmmm). He is also in the process of starting a small tree nursery, and I will follow progress with feigned interest.
Eleanor sold some books, and now operates a small shop in the shed. The opening hours are somewhat erratic, and this is something the management allegedly intend to address in the coming months.
Rather amusingly, the experimental plot of tea plants got all their leaves nibbled off by a marauding deer, so it’s impossible to tell how well they are surviving the winter. We’ll see what the spring brings. There have been a few problems with deer, and Graham has been considering getting a gun licence (and presumably a gun). I suggested he might be better just fixing the fence.
“Toddlers…”
*Did you see what I did there? Worth a sneaky wee shop-bought blueberry! Subliminal advertising – there is a new toddlers group in Kinlochewe to which all parents with young children in the area are invited. Spread the word people, as I very much doubt any of them read this!#
#Is it still subliminal advertising when you have to point it out?
